You Belong With Me
by A-chana
Summary: It is a myth that two exes can be friends with each other. She's just trying to bewitch him and make him leave the Tragic, Innocent Heroine, you see. Deconstruction of Pauline-bashing, downer ending. T for cursing and language abusive to women. Full warnings and author's note inside.


Apologies in advance for the long note. I just think it's necessary to say a couple of things, as there are important warnings and some explanations. First, a header:

**Main Characters:** Mario, Peach, Pauline**  
Secondary Characters:** Three OCs (only interact with the main plot once; other than that, they just comment on it), unnamed Toad Minister (from SMRPG and PM1), Goombario, Kooper, Bombette (the four get one scene with no one but them); others have minor scenes**  
Warnings:** Downer ending; misogynistic behavior and remarks; a reference to "she was asking for it, look at what she's wearing", applied to kidnapping; emoticons, typos, and acronyms in online conversations; bad parody of-a de accents-a; poking fun at rabid fans and odd video game logic; general foul language, implied violence, and light sexual references

I don't make the online conversations completely unreadable. They're about what you would expect from someone typing excitedly with little to no regard about proofreading, but nothing extreme like "lolololo nub u r so st00pid idk. im more 1337 then u!1".

Quite a few assumptions are made about why Pauline is portrayed the way she is in many stories. I've seen quite a few with her being sympathetic and balanced, but usually she's a "Head Bitch In Charge" type who's stealing Mario and bullying Peach, occasionally with golddigger or cheater traits. I get this feeling her looks are playing a big role in this. I do understand that she's a blank slate with no fleshed-out personality in the games, but making her into a HBIC Stereotype to validate an OTP still isn't exactly good form. Granted, she'll act that way initially in this story, but there's a reason for that.

Some of this can be taken for any fandom, including RPF (mainly, I refer to characters being assumed to be promiscuous just because their breasts are large, and to many fangirls throwing a massive fit, death threats included, when their favorite actor/singer/etc. hooks up with someone).

And, seriously, don't think that the "parody" tag means this will be a funny story. The primary tag is "tragedy", and I call this a deconstruction, since it covers the effects that vicious bashing would have not just on the bashed, but on his/her friends.

Thank you for reading. Feedback is greatly appreciated, as I still have a few doubts about flow (due to the scene with the PM partners - I didn't feel right about tying up that plot point with just one paragraph, however) and whether or not I went overboard or crossed a line, but I've been unable to get a beta for this story. And, if it turns out the entire concept of this story is flawed and I'm talking out of my ass about character bashing, "Die For My Ship" attitudes, and/or anything else, then I might end up deleting the whole thing. My apologies if that's the case.

* * *

Light purple eyeshadow was brushed onto her eyelids, and she made sure to pick the shade of lipstick that best matched her dress. Some would say to save the best for last, but Pauline was going to hit hard and hit fast.

The goal was simple: Get Mario and Peach as far apart as she could. There hadn't been official word yet if those two were really dating, but with them taking vacations together so much, most people just assumed they had a relationship beyond the role of damsel and hero. However, it was no secret that, if true, the princess was not Mario's first girlfriend. Long before he became the legendary hero of the kingdom, he was just a city plumber with big dreams, a hardworking nature, and most importantly, a smoking hot girlfriend.

Things were great the way they were before he began that courtship with Peach, and Pauline would see to it that it returned to how it was.

-0-

Luigi shuddered for a moment, setting down the carton of milk to think about why he suddenly felt really, really bad, as if there was a Boo nearby that he couldn't see.

"...Hey, Bro," he spoke slowly, "have you ever felt like something really lousy was going to happen? Like you got a chill and then found out Bowser took the Princess again?"

Mario just shrugged, apparently having never felt that way before, and Luigi decided that it wasn't worth pushing further.

-0-

Kitt T. grinned a little. It was always fun to speak with her friends, even if it _was_ less talking and more typing. It wasn't like she couldn't make friends in person, but it was so easy to meet others with her same interests online. At the moment, she was with a few of those people in a chatroom.

The one with the handle NightFever - that would be Koopalin - was going off on a tangent again. "Didja hear Mario was seen in Delfino two weeks ago?_ALONE?_"

Kitt T. typed excitedly, missing a few keys. "omg! you dont' think he's runing away from someone, do you?"

Their newest friend, maria95, cut in now. "Maybe he's buying gifts for Peach!"

The young Toad tried to reply quickly, not realizing that Koopalin was doing the same. Ultimately, the latter was faster. "I hope so! They need to confess to each other already!"

Thankfully, no one else interrupted her this time, and Kitt was able to make a new response. "I hope bowser won't ruin the moment. '.' "

"I know, right! Or maybe someone else could butt in like Wario or that ex." maria95 seemed to be more likely to speculate than any other person Kitt had met online, but it wasn't an unwelcome trait.

"Paulie, right? She needs to sotp being kidnapped already," Koopalin wrote.

Kitt rolled her eyes a little. "Don't worry, if she tries to get in the way, Peach'll just tell her to buzz off!" She really didn't see any reason to worry. Pauline seemed too busy with the Mini Toys to date, and even if she wasn't, it wasn't as if anyone would actually be gutsy enough to try and break up Mario and Peach. Well, except for Bowser, but he was _Bowser_. That sort of behavior was expected.

-0-

One would think that Peach would have increased security in her castle after years of being kidnapped. While the average Joe or Jane would be placed under scrutiny before getting to see her, however, those within her or Mario's circle of friends met much more lax rules.

She had been meeting with Mario when she got word that Pauline was visiting. It was a bit of an awkward moment for both of them; this was definitely a social meeting, and the only ones in town who knew for sure about their budding romance were the people working in the castle. She wasn't sure what kind of answer to give if Pauline asked about it.

Then again, it wouldn't be the end of the world; Luigi, Daisy, and Yoshi had also been trusted with that information, and Mario trusted Pauline. Heck, he had been going to her company to give advice on what directions to take with the Mini Toys, and she seemed happy enough. Peach decided that she wouldn't try to hide anything if questioned.

They waited in the dining room for a few minutes before Pauline showed up. She was smiling, and she nodded in greeting to Mario. Peach took note that she hadn't done the same for her, but didn't think it was anything major; perhaps she was waiting to see if Peach would greet her first.

"Hello, Pauline," Peach said as she stood from her seat. "It's nice to see you. You look great!" She extended her hand.

"Thanks." The tone was clipped, and Pauline didn't seem to have any genuine enthusiasm when she shook hands with Peach. This time, she wondered if something was wrong with her.

Mario seemed to have been thinking the same thing, and he stood up as well. "How are you today? You don't usually visit without sending a note in advance."

Pauline quickly parted from Peach, walking toward Mario. Life had suddenly perked into her. "Oh, I'm fine, thank you! I was just feeling...lonely, I suppose! I wanted to see how you and Peach were! It's been a while since I've been able to get out, relax, catch up with my friends... We're still trying to expand the Mini line to other heroes, so there's been work to do."

Peach looked back at her, smiling. "I'm glad you're alright. I know it's been a couple of months since the last...incident." She could empathize a little bit. Pauline wasn't constantly in danger of being imprisoned, nor was she occasionally made into the unwilling harbinger of destruction like Peach was, but she had experienced captivity more than most other people did. Even Daisy didn't seem to face the threat of kidnapping as much as Pauline.

"Yes, that's true. Mario, I want to thank you again for rescuing me! Donkey Kong just acts so... so rash, you know?"

The snub was not lost on Peach this time. Her smile faded away, and while her expression had changed merely to neutral, she started to think about Pauline's attitude. It wasn't as if Peach wanted to dominate the conversation. However, it was odd in the first place to come to the castle without even knowing if Mario was there, and to ignore the host and princess of that castle.

Pauline was still rather energetic, focusing her attention on Mario. "We should really go out for lunch one of these days. We haven't spoken much since that day, and we need to talk business, anyway."

Mario glanced over at Peach, and she shrugged. They had been planning on going out, and had been considering bringing along a third person; some gossipers were catching on to the fact that Mario was visiting the castle more and more, and making it look like a group outing had the chance of throwing them off. They weren't quite ready to go official with their relationship, even if it seemed everyone was already assuming they were an item.

It came down to Mario to respond to Pauline. "The Princess and I were planning on traveling to Pinna Park, and we'd be glad to have you with us."

It was Pauline's turn to lose her smile, and in contrast, she did little to hide her disappointment. "_All_ of us?"

"Is...that a bad idea?" This wasn't doing anything to ease Peach's concerns.

Pauline just backed away. She grinned once more, but it looked forced, and her posture had become stiff, matching her tone. "No. I just don't think I can get away from work. Not that far. I have to be available if something comes up, so I don't think I can go all the way there." She had been inching toward the door out of the room.

"Well, wait, we don't _have_ to go to Delfino..." Peach wanted to try and salvage this; there were some things she wanted to figure out. "I've heard that Lavalava Island is good this time of year, and it's not very far..."

"No, please, don't let little ol' _me_ ruin your day together!" Pauline held her hands up in resignation. "Mario, Peach, I want you two to be the happiest you can be! I don't want to intrude, so..."

"Pauline, wait-"

Before Mario could finish, Pauline had exited the dining room, leaving him and Peach silent with surprise.

-0-

A few days afterward, Mario strolled along Toad Town's streets by himself, still trying to get it all off his mind. Things were not just awkward with him and Pauline - she hadn't even returned his calls - but things were awkward with him and Peach. They were both still trying to process just what the heck had happened there.

The subject of his history with Pauline was not something he talked about a lot. He hadn't _meant_ to run away to the Mushroom Kingdom; he and Luigi had discovered the Warp Pipes by accident, and they couldn't just let Peach stay prisoner with Bowser, even if at the time they couldn't remember spending their early childhood together with her. Even after the first rescue, Mario had to stay there to protect her from repeat attacks, and in spite of the letters and phone calls to Pauline, their relationship strained fast. Finally, she made the final move, and told him in one call that it was best if they stopped seeing each other.

Just trying to reenter each other's lives was like pulling teeth. Pauline had moved to the Mushroom Kingdom several years ago in search of a better career than one stalled at taking calls in a stale city office, but was lost in this unfamiliar country. She had taken a job selling fashion accessories in a department store, but even though she pretended things were perfectly fine, Mario knew her pay wasn't that great, and that she had bigger dreams than that. In an effort to clear the bad air between them, he invited her to the opening of the first Mini Toy theme park, as a guest of honor.

Unfortunately, no one had warned her that the successor of the elder Donkey Kong was just as impulsive and just as prone to dragging people up on high buildings. It wasn't long before Mario and a swarm of Minis were chasing down D.K., who had Pauline over his shoulder.

The upside to that incident was that Pauline had gained an appreciation for the Mini Toys, and she wanted to do what she could to aid their development. Mario was able to pull some strings to put her into a management role at the company that produced them, and she was able to easily pitch new ideas there and have an influence on the company's direction. Pauline settled into a comfortable life, even with the occasional kidnapping from D.K..

Mario wasn't oblivious. Their friendship could be and had been viewed as suspicious. It wasn't the first time he faced speculation toward his character, and definitely not the worst he encountered. Everything about him and Pauline was limited to gossip in media devoted to those sorts of subjects, however, and as long as a major outlet didn't try to dig for a deeper meaning and present their findings as fact, he wasn't worried much, although he still occasionally felt concerned over certain comments from anonymous followers of those stories...

Mario was currently passing through south Toad Town. The air there always smelled of food thanks to Tayce T.; today, it seemed she was making cake, perhaps with a mix of fruit as its flavor. Most residents minded their own business, although many waved to Mario if they saw him. He waved back, used to getting some attention while in town.

"Mario!"

He turned around, a lady's chest and torso taking up most of his vision. He backed off and looked up to see her better; there were always little issues with his height. "Pauline?"

Pauline, whose own height was further enhanced by her stilettos, bent down just a little to compromise. "I'm sorry, my phone's been on the fritz! Its battery kept dying and the company disabled it because of a mistake and it's just been a mess! I got your voicemails, though, and I just wanted to say, I'm alright!"

"Um, okay." She was speaking quickly, and it took Mario a moment to process everything she was saying.

The brunette grinned. "It's really nice of you to worry, though. I'm sorry for turning down your offer, by the way. I really _do_ want to spend time with you. It's been so _long_ since we hung out together."

"Well, nothing's been set in stone just yet. Peach and I haven't decided a date, so whenever you-"

"But...!" Pauline's lips curled into a frown for a moment. "Wouldn't Peach be busy maintaining the kingdom? I've heard through the grapevine that Princess Daisy is planning a visit next month, so I think she'd need to prepare. I don't want to be a burden on _her_, you know."

Pauline was being rather...forward. Mario wasn't sure how to respond. She wasn't exactly a shy person, but she didn't usually try hard to set up social events, nor was she very strict on who was or wasn't supposed to go. Usually her aggression was reserved for job-related matters.

Something clicked, and the words just slipped out. "...I thought _you_ were busy too, Pauline."

She cocked her head, thinking. "Well, _yeah_, but I asked my bosses yesterday and they said I could have a vacation, so I'm good. You and I can go to Pinna Park next week, or maybe this week if you'd like to."

"Just the two of us?"

"Is something wrong with that, _Mario_?"

The sultry but soft tone Pauline used brought back memories of dates and cuddles and late nights spent just talking and laughing. They were over each other, weren't they? She had made the break-up herself, and even when they reunited, they both clear they were simply friends. Why the sudden change?

Now acutely aware that Pauline had bent down in a way that highlighted her low-cut, short-skirt dress, Mario backed up again. He wasn't exactly cornered just yet, and he wanted to put some distance between the two of them. "You _know_ people will say something. I'm sorry, but I can't go alone with you."

"And, what, you were going to go alone with Peach, and that's okay?" He couldn't immediately reply to the accusation, so Pauline kept talking. "Why _Peach_? She isn't _that_ close to you. She didn't stick with you when you were in school, she didn't listen to your dreams..."

"Cut it out!" It wasn't in Mario's nature to get upset, but the situation was becoming stickier. Passersby were noticing Pauline's stance, and while he was sure they couldn't actually hear their conversation, they had stopped to look anyway. Even a pair of Toad children, no older than eleven, had taken interest, pointing and whispering something to each other. People were learning to gossip so much earlier these days. "Pauline, you really should go home and rest, maybe think about this more."

"I've thought about it!" Pauline stood upright, indignant. "I've thought about it ever since you ran away from me to chase that pink, frilly skirt of hers! _I_ was your first, and you do _not_ forget your first, Mario."

Mario tried to reply, but at that moment, the Toad kids ran by, squealing. They were saying something about a spider; was the boy teasing and chasing the girl? It didn't matter, as the boy ran into Mario and kept going without so much as an "excuse me". The plumber fell forward, and Pauline caught him.

Really, it was more like she broke his fall. With her chest.

It took Mario a moment to regain his bearings, and he was mortified to realize the position he was in. He had knocked Pauline down, going facefirst into her bosom, and he was still on top of her.

Pauline had a surprised look, although at this point he assumed she was just pretending to be demure. "Oh, _my_."

Mario scrambled back up, knowing that, with witnesses around, this could only end badly.

-0-

Peach, while not known for being petty or slobby, couldn't bring herself to care about being proper, and she just threw the newspaper over her shoulder, leaving it for an attendant to clean up.

"One would think the papers would have better subjects to cover than celebrity love lives," mused Toadsworth. Apparently, he too chose to turn a blind eye to her careless treatment of the article.

"It's because it's me and Mario," Peach replied, even though she was only indirectly referenced.

It wasn't as if the tabloid had outright decried Pauline. But there were words and phrases that showed where the bias was - "bombshell", "old flame" and "blazing passionately", "cornered him in a streetway", "much like a predator", "no comment from the Princess". They invoked the image of a seductress hunting down the boyfriend of an innocent woman.

The photo itself was pretty incriminating on its own, as it was rather hard to explain away why Mario was on top of Pauline with his face right up against her breasts. Peach took several things into account, however. One, it wasn't the first time misunderstandings or plain framing had been involved, and Mario had been accused of theft, vandalism, and even murder in the past. Second, it was just something she didn't expect from either of them. While neither were paragons of perfection, Mario wasn't the type for infidelity and intimate PDAs, and he probably wouldn't have taken kindly to Pauline encouraging that behavior.

She had tried to call them both to the castle, but Pauline wasn't answering. According to Mario, she had been having phone problems, but the timing was just suspicious.

For now, only the plumber hero arrived, and Peach invited him for a private chat in the throne room, overheard only by Toadsworth and a few guards posted at the doors, and even then they were more as a precaution in case a loose-lipped maid tried to make rumors about Mario and Peach without actually knowing what they doing alone in the room.

Even if it was only his side of the story, it gave her some insight as to what was going on, but for every question answered, two more popped up. Why the sudden change in Pauline? Mario swore up and down that she had never shown any hints of this behavior before, and that he'd have been more wary about rekindling their friendship if he saw this coming. He had trusted the wrong people before, but if the Pauline he knew was like this, he'd have rejected her friendship from the very start.

More worrying was that the shift in personality was becoming worse and worse. For someone with phone problems, Pauline sure did seem to have a lot of time to text Mario over and over, usually with a variation of "she doesn't know you like I do" or "I love you, baby". It didn't take a scientist to see that something was wrong, but so far, they had no leads.

At the end of their talk, Peach sighed. "Thank you for coming on short notice. I wanted to try and defuse it quickly. The papers have been out for a few hours now." The only good thing was that major outlets didn't pick it up, but that didn't mean that it wouldn't spread to their own celebrity sections if left unchecked.

"I can try an announcement," Mario thought out loud. "I'm not sure how well the media will listen, but it's worth a try."

"_We_ will make an announcement," Peach corrected, a tiny smile on her face; she knew what she was implying, and this wasn't the way she imagined publicly revealing their relationship, but she wanted to back him with the fact that she knew him well enough to not only trust him, but to know what Pauline was really like. "If they can't listen to you or to me, who will they listen to?"

-0-

The day after that public announcement, things took a sharp turn south.

Peach had just gotten done telling a few attendants to ask Pauline's workplace if anything strange had come up, when another guard sheepishly came in to report an incident in the front courtyard that needed to be dealt with. _Right now_.

She didn't even need to guess who the figures in red and blue were, but her stomach churned at the sight. There really wasn't any sort of mistake going on. Could Mario really say he tripped down and his tongue accidentally slipped into Pauline's mouth?

A few bystanders had taken out their cell phones - and in one case, a more professional camera - to photograph or video-record the scene. All it took was a glance at the guards that followed Peach out, though, and the gawkers fled the scene, with the guards following to make sure they didn't trespass again; whether their images would be seized remained to be seen.

This left Peach to deal with the couple. An ugly mixture of anger and grief was welling up in her chest, so her reaction took the middle ground. She knew she sounded upset, but hiding it was the last thing on her mind. "_Mario_!"

Pauline, who was seated on the side of a fountain with Mario all but on top of her lap, looked at Peach as if she was a bothersome child who just interrupted the private time between a pair of adults. "Oh, _she_ found us."

"Geez, what a pain-a." Mario just just...un-Mariolike. His accent was suddenly a lot thicker, like a badly-done caricature. It would have been comical had there not been cruelty in his voice as well.

"You _said _it was all a misunderstanding. _We_ said it together yesterday, Mario. We finally came out about us, and then you do _this_?"

Mario rolled his eyes. "Come on-a, it-a took a decade and a half-a just to say we're-a dating! And you-a _steel_ get kidnapped all-a da time and just give-a me _cake_ as a reward-a! Bowser's about-a due for anudda visit anyway, so I say-a, forgeet it, too much work!"

Pauline pulled him close. "Don't pay any mind to her. Come on, didn't you say you were getting me a nice, big ring? Twenty-four karats, diamonds and rubies, all the bells and whistles?"

Mario grinned, and addressed Peach one more time. "Y'see, just like da good girls like-a da bad boys, no good man wants-a such a boring, pure lady! You're-a so _feminine_ and _proper_, it's deegusting. Being so-a frilly and nice is just resigning yourself-a to be a doormat." He looked to Pauline. "See? I can take a girl-a with a _real_ personality, like-a you."

"_Take me_? Do tell me more, Mario..."

As the pair became absorbed in each other once more, Peach found herself trembling, struggling to form a real response in the face of such malicious words coming from someone she cared about more than anything. This was just a nightmare, and if she could will herself awake, everything would be done and over with. No tabloid sections, no relationship problems, no mockeries of what her friends are-

She gasped in realization, and turned back to go into the castle, but stopped when she noticed someone. A Toad attendant, the same one that she sent to ask about Pauline, was hiding behind a tree, unsure if he was allowed to speak to the Princess at this time. Peach approached him, blinking away tears.

"Princess, are you alright?" He reached up to her, and when she nodded, he slowly went on about why he was here. "I asked the company, and they haven't even seen her for a few days now. She never even called in sick. In fact, she didn't even return from her lunch break one day. No one filed a missing person's report since she showed up later on, though..."

Peach was still trying to keep her cool. She was still shaken from her encounter, but now she was getting an idea of what was going on. After a few long moments, she replied. "Contact Merlon and tell him I'm coming over for his aid."

-0-

maria95, whom they learned was really named Cherry T., was usually the one to bring things up, but Koopalin was vocal with her replies. Just the mere mention of Pauline whipped her into a frenzy.

"She's using him!" came the current frantic line of text from her; by now, the nickname NightFever was synonymous with fierce anger. "He's famous and her stupid busness is failing so it's help it recover! I'm boycotting the minis, btw."

"She's just jealous of Peach," Kitt agreed. "She has to dress like THAT to fell better about herself." Honestly, Kitt got enough of it at school, seeing those stupid cheerleaders walking with their miniskirts and layers of makeup. And then they went ahead and turned the boys on the little, wholesome people like Kitt and her friends; were those sluts just so insecure that they had to degrade their bodies just to feel good? And why did the guys _enjoy_ women with no self-respect? Why was it was the nice, _proper_ ladies with an actual personality were shunted to the side in favor of airheaded golddiggers?

"She probably got a boob job, lol," Cherry joked. "Stupid big-titted whores, always taking away the good guys."

"I know, rite! Poor Peach! :( " Koopalin was almost certainly bouncing in her seat with outrage, with how intense her reactions were online. "You saw that piccie of her looking right at Mario and Big-Tits, right?"

Kitt bit her lip. Peach was in the background of the image, but just enough of her hurt expression showed, and she could relate to that pain, having seen the head cheerleader making out with the boy she was crushing on. "Maybe she's TRYING to hurt Peach bcuz she's so jealous?"

"I think I wrote rpf about that, lol! But, really," Cherry's lines were fragmented, with no more than seven words per message, and it seemed she loved the enter key a bit too much, "that bitch needs to step off. perferably off a cliff, haha."

"Exactly! I'd kill her myself if I parents would let me leave the town. OTL " If Cherry was an instigator, then Koopalin was a complainer. "They must be pro-Paulario! fml, I hate them."

"I live in the same town as Pauline. NOT HER BIRTHPLACE, FYI." Kitt rolled her eyes as the typed. Even if she had only been in town for a year or two, she was sure this would leave a blemish on its reputation. "Can't kill her, tho. No alibi, no weapon."

The implications of taking a death threat so lightly did not hit Kitt T.. In fact, she was formulating a less-lethal plan, one that even Koopalin could take part in.

-0-

"It's a freakshow, plain and simple."

Parakarry knew he wasn't supposed to stop and listen to people en route, especially with the amount of letters coming in. Still, he couldn't turn down anyone who flagged him down, even if it was less about delivering a letter and more about just having a chat.

The Toad kept talking. "I mean, you got _The_ Mario pulling this stunt off, and everyone says that Pauline bewitched him, right? But then there's the others saying he's just being like any hotblooded, stereotypical guy, thinking with his groin and using women! And even more say that it's all a ruse to bolster Mini sales!"

The subjects of this conversation weren't very far away. It'd be hard to ignore the lovebirds making out on a bench.

"I'm worried for the princess." He didn't want to comment on any of the other aspects. Parakarry had seen these sorts of things pop up from time to time - romanticizing villains that tried to destroy kingdoms or whole worlds, theories concerning why the castle was attacked and raided so often, and of course, people had been wondering about Peach and Mario all this time, just to have it confirmed. And then followed by _this_. By now, he was learning to always wait for more details to surface.

"Oh, yeah, and everyone's painting her as a martyr for romance. They say Bowser will swoop in any minute now, and this time Mario isn't going to save her."

The next few minutes would prove to be a very interesting take on that idea.

-0-

"Ahem."

Pauline glared at the Toad dressed in maid clothes, who had just walked up to the bench. "Shouldn't you be in that castle, kissing that toadstool of a princess' feet right now?"

"Shouldn't you be at work right now?" the maid countered, gripping her blue parasol tighter. "It's funny how you ditched it during your lunch break a little while ago."

The pair seemed surprised at this remark, and Mario spoke next. "I-a think the _lady_ told you to-a take a _jump_ off a pier."

Three other Toads that were standing nearby moved in slowly, glaring not at Mario, but that the maid.

"I can see right through your codewords." The maid just returned the stern glare at those closing in on her. Her tone of voice was taking a formal but forceful turn. "You threaten and outnumber a defenseless citizen? Ha! I should expect no less from those who work under _him_, I suppose."

"What? What kinda stuff are _you_ on, y-"

There were multicolored, bright lights shooting from the maid's hands and at Pauline, causing most watchers to panic. Pauline fell off of Mario and onto the ground, but did not seem to actually be injured. However, a plume of smoke erupted from her body, a very unladylike yell escaping from her, and when the smoke cleared...

"Duplighost!" One of the nearby Toads, who had blue spots, exclaimed. Where Pauline had fallen laid a white sheet in the form of a humanoid, dazed from being forced to change to his original body.

Mario's shock changed into anger, and he directed it right at the maid. "Th-that's the Princess, over there! Yeah, she disguised herself as a lowly maid and, uh, cursed my love into that hideous form! Get the witch, now!" Of note was that his accent was now _completely_ gone.

The other two Toads were the only ones to respond to this order, but the blue-spotted one interrupted them, crossing his arms. "You're wrong again."

They and Mario stared at him, and that was a big enough opportunity for the maid to work her magic once more, dispelling their illusions and revealing them as Duplighosts as well. Four in total had been in on this scene, although the possibility of more working elsewhere was not out of the question.

"Oh man, oh man." The one that had been masquerading as Pauline was starting to show signs of panic, and he got up. "P-Please don't hurt us! We were never gonna hurt Peach, really! Lord Bowser, it was all him! He was just gonna woo her after Mario crushed her heart. Y'know, 'cuz she'd so vulnerable after a break-up that she'd be easy to catch on the rebound?"

"_Excuse me_?" the male(?) Toad snapped. "How rude! Does he _really_ think I'd become desperate, especially like _that_?"

With no reason to keep up their own disguises, the maid used the same magic on herself and the citizen, though not to the extent that it'd leave them reeling. She and the blue-spotted Toad were revealed as Merlon and Peach, respectively. Merlon still held the parasol, not ready to let it go; unknown to all but him and Peach, it was the Sneaky Parasol, an item he did _not_ want getting lost in the inevitable chaos.

The Shaman didn't seem to be tired from his constant use of magic, but the bystanders who had no idea what was going down were restless and frightened; so much was going on, so fast! Who was who anymore? The maid girl was Peach, but then she _wasn't_ Peach and the male Toad was Peach, and somehow the reclusive Merlon got involved, and now there was the possibility that Bowser was about to invade again, and just where _were_ the real Mario and Pauline, anyway?

The Duplighosts tried to use the rising panic to their advantage, fleeing straight into the circle of bystanders. There, they made their second mistake of the day: while most residents scattered in fear of what might happen next, a certain mailman simply sent a well-aimed kick into the back of one Duplighost, immediately incapacitating him. Parakarry took down another when he stopped to stare at his stunned ally. The other two kept running, and he was about ready to pursue them.

Peach rushed over, stopping him. Chasing them down wasn't as important as trying to find the whereabouts of the missing people. "Parakarry, thank you."

"There's no need to thank me, Princess." He bowed respectfully to her.

"Look, can you go to Pauline's house? Break into it if you have to - I'll give you a full pardon. Look for any signs of a struggle, or anything that might tell us where she and Mario are. Who's the quickest I can contact if we need to enter a fortress?"

"Goombario is to the southwest, and Kooper and Bombette to the east; Pauline lives much further away from any of them, but I will report back as soon as possible."

Parakarry took off; he normally hated the idea of delaying letter deliveries any more than his own mistakes did, but from what he had just observed, it was urgent enough to warrant a disrupted schedule. Besides, there were a lot of letters for Pauline that needed to be delivered...

-0-

Investigating Pauline's home showed various pieces of evidence of conflict, some of which didn't even link to each other. On one hand, the outside was decorated with egg-soaked toilet paper and graffiti. However, the words painted onto her property did not seem to have any connection to Bowser's army, and instead came from people who were trying to torment her for the affair.

None of those visitors were able to get inside the home itself, and aside from the window that Parakarry broke to enter it, nothing seemed out of place at first. Checking her cell phone showed a plethora of missed calls from Mario and her workplace, though, alongside many numbers the phone didn't seem to recognize - likely, most of them were more hecklers. However, calls had gone out to other unidentified numbers, all with area codes from the Dark Land region.

The trashcans had a few notes, both as reminders the Duplighosts made for themselves and as messages to and from their allies. As he brought them to the castle to show Peach, he read them over so that he could help piece it together with her. In the end, they learned that Pauline had been captured during her lunch break, and Mario when he was heading home after the public announcement. Duplighosts had been key in the whole plot, disguising themselves as not just the two victims, but as Toad children, seemingly-innocent merchants, and anyone else that could move around town without suspicion.

One note in particular mentioned that the writer missed working in a particular fortress near one town in Dark Land, and with little else to go on, Peach decided it was enough to push with a rescue mission there. Normally, it was her who had to wait for a party to reach her, but she had done her share of rescues occasionally, and she had a good idea of how to go about it. Besides, she had managed to find three allies and prepare a hot-air balloon to transport her most of the way to the foreign country, so all that she'd need to do would be picking up some supplies, such as going through the old equipment she used during the fight against Smithy.

With these plans in place, she had been so _sure_ she could minimize the potential problems.

-0-

The next day, the Toad minister, one of several highly-esteemed advisors of the Princess, merely stared sternly at the three before him, seated across the table: a Koopa with a damaged blue shell, a Goomba with scorched eyebrows and clothing, and a Bob-Omb that just seemed like she hated everything in her life at the moment.

"I'm hoping one of you will provide a clearer explanation as to why the Princess was walking around with the bulk of her skirt missing, and why you all came in on one tiny Clown Copter." Peach was busy at the moment; any time not spent being checked over for injuries was being spent trying to talk to Mario or Pauline. To her, answering the servants' questions was a low priority. He wanted to be sure that no serious harm had come to her, and also hoped to get a clearer idea of what happened in Dark Land.

Goombario spoke first, chipper in spite of his condition. "So, the Princess sent out messengers to gather us to the castle, where she gave us the lowdown on what was going on: Bowser coming in and doing what he does, Duplighosts destroying Mario's rep, and there being plans for a rescue. The four of us set off as soon as we could."

"Yes, I know that much. What I mean is, how much trouble did you run into? Coming in on a balloon was not exactly stealthy."

"Kind of a mistake on our part," Kooper admitted. "It got us there fast, but they saw us coming and sent Paratroopas and Lakitus after us, which meant using up a lot of Fire Flowers to make them go away. Eventually we just landed in the first place we could and got out fast; they went to the balloon first, thinking we were still inside. I went into the fort first with Fire Shell, Bombette took care of everyone I missed, and Goombario and Peach cleaned up anyone else that was still stupid enough to try and attack us after that."

"The problems didn't really start until about half an hour in..." Bombette seemed to have calmed down by now; she had momentarily forgotten about whatever was making her upset with her friends.

"Peach mentioned that there was an incident with Firebars," the minister said.

"Yeah. Firebars. I had to lag behind to make sure I didn't get hit by them. Didn't want to explode all over everyone."

"The rest of us were further ahead, so we met up with some Koopatrols. You know, the armored troops that usually have high ranks in Bowser's army? They're always covered in spikes, so it's hard to-"

"Yes. I know." The constant invasions meant this advisor had encountered them more than he'd have liked to, and he didn't need to be reminded how they looked or behaved. Goombario glanced away, annoyed at being interrupted.

Kooper picked it up from there. "It got worse from there on. I could smash into them, sure, but Goombario had no choice but to hang back, and the railway was pretty narrow for fighting. Peach had a lot of trouble moving around, and a Firebar got her skirt and distracted her; she almost got jumped right after that! Eventually she just did that one move, raining bombs on the others-"

"Psych Bomb."

"Yeah, that. Thanks, Goomb'."

"I was still trying to catch up," Bombette added. "By then, more and more guards of all kinds were trying to come through, so we just ran forward and busted through. Peach led the way because it was like they were trying not to attack her too hard. Weird."

"I heard it's because of this rumor," Goombario chimed in. "Apparently, that fat turtle is always kidnapping her because-"

"Did you actually meet Bowser there?" The advisor wanted to change the subject quickly; he had had quite enough of rumors for one week, and he didn't need the kingdom's own heroes speculating on what Bowser's intentions were, as he had an idea of what they were thinking, and the very thought of that brute trying to win his Princess' favor was sickening to him.

"Oh, yeah, we saw him in a cell room that was decorated like it was a throne room. And you know _what_? He had Mario and Pauline bound and shackled in the cell, but then he also had some chains going out the bars and was _yanking_ on one of them when we came in! Like all they were to him were _toys_ to play roughly with!" Goombario's voice became increasingly contemptuous as the memories of seeing his idol degraded came back in full detail.

"Peach was ready, though. We still had some supplies thanks to her, like Sleepy Sheep and some Stone Caps, plus this thing she called a Lazy Shell. The idea was to use the Sheep to distract him, have most of us use the Caps, and let Peach do the bulk of the attacking while wearing the Shell, but..." Bombette trailed off.

"Yes?" the Toad prompted.

"Well, Kooper was a little slow on the uptake, and then some Koopatrols showed up and I was already in stone and couldn't blow them up, so then Peach got distracted as well. I think she ripped off her burned skirt to give herself more room to move around, but it wasn't helping much-"

"-I _did_ fight the guards," Kooper cut in, "but there were a ton of them and I think Bowser took a swing at me while my back was turned, so-"

"-my Stone Cap wore off first, and I 'Bonked him a little to redirect him, but-"

"-but then Goombario led him in my direction right as my Cap wore off, and he breathed fire on us both-"

"-not like I _meant_ to do that! I just wanted to get him off Kooper's back-"

"-and you did a fine job of putting him on _mine_-"

"-and then Bombette exploded on _everyone_-"

"-that was an _accident_, Kooper!" Bombette's temper had flared up all over again, and she seemed ready to create a more intentional explosion if the argument escalated.

"Everyone, _everyone_." The minister was hopelessly lost, yet somehow he couldn't bring himself to care about their own problems with the battle. The three were trying their best to explain, but with them trying to talk over each other, they were leaving out vital information, such as: "How were the victims during all this? How was the Princess?"

"Peach was completely unharmed. I swear, that shell she had was _unreal_. Not a scratch or burn on it." Kooper reached behind him, rubbing the large crack in his own shell that he received during the fight. "Everyone else was too stunned from the explosion to help her _or_ stop her, so she searched the room for the keys to the cell and chains. Pauline and Mario were mostly alright; not starved or beaten badly, but they really needed to get out of there as soon as possible. There was very little resistance as we escaped, maybe because everyone in the fort was too busy trying to heal Bowser. Peach did her own healing and led the rest of us to a hangar where a bunch of Clown Copters were taking off, so we took one and just winged the rest of the escape, since they had taken the balloon by now."

"The fort exploded for no apparent reason right after we left." Goombario did as best a shrug as he could, even though no one noticed his comment. Seriously, what was with buildings exploding when the big baddie was defeated? That sort of stuff belonged in cartoons and video games.

"And we came back, got surrounded by your guards as soon as we landed because you thought we were the enemy, got separated from Peach and the others, and were told we needed to answer your questions. The end." Bombette had gone right back to being annoyed at the whole ordeal.

The minister sighed, a hand on his forehead, massaging lightly. This had taken far too long, given how prone to going on tangents the trio was. He had gotten enough information, though; the rescue was difficult, but no one had been severely injured. At least he didn't have to worry that the Princess was hiding something. "Thank you. You will all be rewarded by the end of the week, and there'll be full compensation for the repairs to your shell, Kooper."

"Thanks." He was still miffed that he even needed the repairs in the first place, but at least he wouldn't have to pay for them himself. One question of his own lingered on his mind, however. "Why couldn't you ask Peach? And where were the others taken? Your guards escorted them away pretty fast."

The Toad stood up, preparing to leave. "All three are still being escorted by guards at this time; one of them has received death threats lately, and with the condition of that person's home, there is reason to worry some threats might be serious. Additionally, the Princess is continuing to work hard to sort out all the other problems she's faced the past week. This meeting was meant to take some of the responsibility off of her."

The others said little in response. It didn't take a genius to figure out who was getting the death threats, and why.

-0-

She packed as light as she could, taking only what she needed. Pauline wanted to get out of the kingdom as fast as possible, and besides, trying to leave with all her clothes would probably gain more comments about how selfish and materialistic she was. It wasn't like she'd need her favorite red dresses where she was going, anyway.

It had been a little over a week since Pauline was rescued, and the truth of the whole situation _had_ been spread everywhere. She didn't even know creatures like Duplighosts existed. To her, it wasn't even implausible that she had encountered some in disguise even before this fiasco, blending in by stealing another's identity... Could any old clerk manning the cash register be one? Her coworkers? Even the Princess and all her staff? Either way, although she was surprised that they existed in the first place, she wasn't surprised that they sometimes used their powers for mischief or outright evil.

Ideally, she'd have been absolved of all guilt. Mario said it, Peach said it, and even the other three rescuers had said it when being awarding their medals. The Pauline that had been photographed had not truly been her.

It didn't seem to stop any of the harassment. Starbook still had an "anti-Pauline" group with over a thousand members, ShroomTube still had a huge amount of videos decrying her, either with mocking words over older videos of her, or just a person insulting her on camera, and the less said about the Real Person Fanfiction about her, the better.

While some people did seem to quiet down after the revelation that she had done nothing and even publicly apologize, the hate had been going full speed and could not stop completely. It was a publicity stunt, many outlets and fans believed. Or maybe she _had_ wanted to get close to Mario and was using this kidnapping as an excuse to hide her true feelings. She was just asking for it, anyway, strutting around in those clothes, all but wearing a "kidnap me!" sign around her neck. Plus, if she didn't want to be seen as a whore, then she shouldn't dress like one to begin with. And why would she even try to be friends with someone who _obviously_ broke up with _her_ and not the other way around, which was obviously _her_ fault? Honestly...

Pauline was scared. She didn't answer her phone anymore, even if it was a number she recognized. She couldn't look at her own Starbook or her e-mail inbox. Her physical mailbox was packed like a can of sardines with letters that she could only guess were unflattering. Even though the bodyguards stayed near her home at all times and a few castle workers had come to clean up the dried egg and graffiti, she still couldn't feel safe in her own house. People had gone as far as telling her she was a slut that deserved to burn to death for her crimes against the Princess. The workers could scrub the paint away, but the words were permanently seared into Pauline's mind.

This was nothing like she expected would happen if she came to the Mushroom Kingdom. She had initially tried to avoid Mario as much as she could, but it was almost inevitable that he found a way to rekindle their friendship. There had been comments when it happened, and even then they hurt, but once they quieted down, Pauline had fooled herself into thinking she was out of the line of fire.

Where was all the hatred for Mario, anyway? He was a hero overtaken by the dirty tactics of Bowser's forced and suffered as much as his love did. Pauline was a weak person who let herself constantly get kidnapped and was probably planning on doing this herself, judging from her fashion sense and very existence.

The ugly side of Mario's fans was showcased for all to see, and this time, Pauline wasn't going to stick around for them to quiet down again - she knew now that the ex-girlfriend was the easiest scapegoat.

The bodyguards did not ask any questions when she finally left her house with luggage in tow, simply escorting her to the airport. The plan was to go to the Beanbean Kingdom, but Pauline had very different ideas in mind.

-0-

"And she hasn't called anyone since?"

Peach could feel a headache building up, but tried not to show it. It wasn't the messenger's fault that Pauline had lied about seeking refuge and settling down in the Beanbean Kingdom; shortly after the plane landed, she vanished before she could be reassigned new bodyguards.

The only sign as to what happened to her was a single call to Mario. Pauline intended to run away somewhere and build up a whole new identity, one without Mario or the Mini Toys or anything that could link her back to the incident. The plane ticket records pointed to her then making a trip to Water Land, but the trail went cold there. It had been nearly a month since then, and it seemed that she wasn't going to turn up any time soon, if at all.

If Pauline was going to change herself, then she had had more than enough time. The discovery of a discarded luggage bag that contained only a red dress, cut off brown hair, and an empty bottle of black hair dye supported this, but a woman with short black hair was not an unusual occurrence, even if human; it wasn't implausible that Pauline had other ways to alter her appearance, or else ultimately fled to an area with a high human population. At this point, finding her was like finding a needle in haystack.

The messenger apologized for not bringing any good news at all, and she quickly made her exit as soon as she was excused, nearly bumping into someone who was entering the room.

"Nothing?" Mario asked as he walked inside. His normally calm face showed some anxiousness and sadness when Peach shook her head. "She should have turned up by now... Her family hasn't called back, and I assume that means they haven't seen her, either."

Peach nodded, still not giving a verbal reply to Mario just yet. Most of their time had been spent on trying to track her down - calls to family and friends, search parties all over several kingdoms, and even a repeat visit to Bowser, who had escaped to his castle, recovered from his fight, and was going back to the drawing board. He made it very clear that he had no interest in Pauline herself, especially since using her to try to manipulate Peach into letting herself be taken away had failed miserably.

She and Mario had both seen better days. Neither of them were ragged, nervous wrecks, but some of their inner turmoils broke through their normally cheerful exteriors. Peach had been dealing with the political fiasco that followed a citizen's disappearance in a foreign kingdom, and even when she did get a break, sometimes she'd find herself too distracted with worry to actually sleep. Judging from Mario's lack of energy, she had a gut feeling he was experiencing the latter as well.

"She's tall, with fuller facial features. I hope it'll be enough for someone to identify her, but..." Mario trailed off, uncharacteristically losing his confidence. Peach couldn't really blame him; a friend he had known since high school had been driven out of the country, mainly thanks to vicious rumors that were meant to defend him and his true love.

In time, as always, it quieted down, but the few tidbits that remained still stung; of course Pauline deserved to be run out of town! Her Starbook hadn't been pulled offline in the slim event that she logged back onto it, and while most news outlets had stopped talking about her, comments were still being left on it every day. Some would express well-wishes for her safe return, but others continued to berate her, deciding that she had been kidnapped and wasn't going to be rescued, or that she was in a back alley somewhere, her looks tarnished and wealth diminished, as a homewrecker like her deserved.

Pauline didn't _need_ to have to deal with all this. It was bad enough that Bowser thought putting up a show would make Peach run into his arms, but half the kingdom ended up believing him, because Pauline had been regarded with suspicion from the very start. It had boiled over, and by the time it cooled down, it would be far too late to repair the damage.

The missing woman was not the only one burned. Peach knew her conversations with Mario had become more and more cold and brief. It was always about business now, about search parties or trying to contact foreign heads of state. There was nothing about their planned trip to Delfino, nothing about how they both deserved to rest, nothing about their own relationship.

"...I don't want it all to end."

"Huh?"

Peach was surprised at herself. Was she thinking out loud? "I'm alright. Mario, would you like to join me for lunch sometime next week?"

Even with all that was going on, Peach wasn't willing to give up so easily on their relationship. She still cared about Mario, and all the chaos in the world wouldn't change that. However, it had been related to the reactions to "Pauline", and while she didn't want to call herself or Mario responsible, she couldn't stop the awkward feelings.

"I'll see what I can do," he assured, offering something of a smile, but Peach could sense the same hesitation and worry she had coming from him as well. They were on the same wavelength, but for once it wasn't a good thing.

That week, they found that they were too busy to go out together. The same thing happened the week after, and the one after that.

-0-

It was _unfair_. Somehow, Kitt T.'s parents had found out what she had done to Pauline's house, and it meant being grounded and doing chores for months. What was the big problem? Didn't they always say to do the right thing? She was trying to help Mario and his love and stop them from being tormented! Besides, it wasn't as if it mattered what shape the house was in; Pauline had been missing for months.

"It's soooo good to you again! 0v0 " Koopalin had joined Kitt in it, but did not end up caught; it turned out that she didn't live too far away, and it didn't arouse much suspicion to travel to the other town on her own for a weekend. Kitt, however, had been seen by a nosy neighbor that recognized her.

"You missed a lot!" Cherry chimed in; the other Toad lived in a different area entirely and had no way to come to that town. "Did u get to see TV?"

"Not even that! OTL, I hate them so much. They're like Koopa Troop members sometimes!"

"Mario and Peach broke up! hey made an announcement and everything."

Kitt waited to see if Cherry was going to add a "jk" to the end of that, but when ten seconds passed with no such thing, she was forced to accept this the only way she could: "whaaaaaat"

"I KNOW, RIGHT" Koopalin joined in, expressing her own feelings with caps lock. "BIG-TITS PORBABLY CALLED THEM AND THREATENED THEM"

"Has pauline come back?" Kitt wasn't sure; her home was still boarded up, with new graffiti showing up once in a while, but it was likely that she wouldn't return to that town even if she was found.

"nope. I think she's hiding out in a slum somewhere, haha. But, anyway, I really hope she didn't get to Peach."

"She's so weak!" Koopalin replied to Cherry. "She's always getting kidnapped n shit! I don't think she deserved Mario in the first place!"

"maybe, lol." Kitt just shrugged. If she wasn't always letting Bowser kidnap her, Mario wouldn't have to bust his butt trying to save her...

"Mario deserves a better girl than all these bithces breaking up with him. What about Goombella?"

"WOAH WOAH STEP THE FUCK OFF" Suddenly, Cherry seemed to have _snapped_, becoming just as angry as Koopalin tended to be in her own rants; her lines had about three words a piece, however. "THAT'S BEASTALITY GROSS."

"jk jk jk" Koopalin spammed this quickly; given that Cherry hadn't replied to it with more rage, it seemed to have calmed her down enough. "Toadette then?"

"Might work," Kitt had to admit; at least a Toad girlfriend would be better than a Goomba girlfriend. Ugh. "She's always helping him out and joining sports games."

She braced herself for Cherry's response, but thankfully, she too agreed. "At least Toadette's not always running off w/ Bowser or DK, and she's not gonna use Mario for his money."

Kitt smiled. Yeah, screw those ex-girlfriends. Mario would be so much better off with someone like Toadette...


End file.
